


Charlie and Sweet Dee Get Married

by peganix



Category: Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 21:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peganix/pseuds/peganix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Artemis gets married (and a ton of presents), Charlie and Sweet Dee decide to declare their love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Charlie and Sweet Dee Get Married

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pepperlandgirl4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepperlandgirl4/gifts).



"I really don't think this is a good idea," Charlie said.

"Just, you know, you'll duck," Dennis said, one eye closed as he practiced a few swings with the hammer. He was pretty sure he'd hit the nail with only one good throw. Like ninety percent, so, pretty sure.

"You'll duck," Mac agreed. "Don't let it drop, Charlie!"

Charlie craned his neck around in a vain attempt to make eye contact with Dennis or Mac, his arms spread out on either side to hold up the new sign. "No, guys, there's probably an easier way-"

"Ready?" asked Mac.

"Ready!" said Dennis. He swung his arm back.

Dee slammed the door behind her, making the walls shake. Charlie wobbled on his stool and fell, taking the sign with him.

"Ah, Dee, you ruined it," Dennis said. So goddamn close. "All right, Charlie, you figure it out. Dee, get me a beer. Dee. Dee. _Dee_."

He followed her into the office, where she'd stormed, like an ostrich chasing after prey. Do ostriches eat prey? Eh, didn't matter. Jeez, she was like, creepily tall. God knows how they emerged from the same genes.

"Dee. Totally not appreciating the lack of prompt service. This is why we have no customers, Dee, and that's why I can't afford to move out on my own, because, you know, Mac's getting pretty damn clingy. Pretty damn inconsiderate."

"Can't you see I'm like violently upset right now, Dennis?" Dee interrupted, her voice piercing through the remains of his hangover.

Dennis squinted at her. "Is it because of the way they fucked up your new haircut? Because yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, I think we should probably go and demand your money back. Some kind of reparations-"

"Shut UP, Dennis," Dee said, brandishing some kind of envelope. "Artemis is getting married. _Artemis._"

"So," Dennis said, not really getting the point. From outside, Charlie was howling something about his fingers. Yeah, he knew letting Mac try to throw the hammer was totally not going to work.

Dee stared at him, openmouthed. "Ah, god, Dee, your breath-"

"Do you know what kind of shit you get when you get married?"

"Like, pans?"

"Like, money, Dennis! Artemis gets all this free shit just because she showed one old guy her bleached asshole and now we're getting left with nothing!"

"You're totally overreacting, Dee," Dennis said. God, Dee just made everything about her.

"I need to get married."

"Actually I think you need to meet a guy who doesn't care about your freaky neck, but yeah, I guess you need to get married."

"Who needs to get married?" Charlie asked, shoving the door open with his shoulder and heading for the desk. One of his fingers was bent at a really weird angle. Not the right angle for a human finger. It was making Dennis queasy.

"Me, Charlie," Dee said.

"Yeah, you are getting pretty past your prime," he said, trying to pull a drawer open with his still-intact pinky finger. "Can one of you get this for me? I'm feeling pretty woozy."

"You could make some good free cash like this," Dennis said, really thinking about it for the first time.

"Yeah, I could," Dee said, vehement.

"Send out some invites, plan a wedding, get a fake priest, take the gifts, 'split' due to mysterious circumstances which no one will ask you about since that's totally tacky!"

Dee nodded, following. "Totally."

"But obviously, there's no way you could or will find someone who will marry you. Any time soon."

"Obviously," Charlie agreed from the desk, where he was swaying a little on his feet.

Dee made that little sneer and shook her head a little, mockingly.

"You could marry one of us!" Dennis said. "Obviously not me, since that would be incest-"

Charlie poked his head up. "She did marry Frank that one time though-"

"Well, not me, 'cause you're disgusting," Dennis jumped in. "And not Frank, since you've been there. Mac?"

"Ugh, no!" Dee said.

The sounds of Charlie rummaging for band-aids or, presumably, some kind of medical help, interrupted their silent thought.

Dee made eye contact, tilting her head in a knowing question. Dennis spread his hands and nodded, knowingly. Some times, it was nice to be right on the same wavelength.

"Hey Charlie," Dee said.

*

Dennis kind of had his own stuff going right then, so he didn't pay much attention to Dee and Charlie's plans beyond the crap they had going in the bar.

"NO TULIPS," Charlie said, looking wild around the eyes. He slammed his fist down on the bar to punctuate his fury.

"Well, I like tulips, so," Dee said in that nasally way she did when she was trying to get her way. God, Dennis hated when she tried to get her way, like she thought her wishes and needs mattered. Hah.

"The wedding is in two days, guys," Dennis said. "You're getting whatever flowers Charlie scrounges from what people have placed in the cemetery next to the hall you guys rented."

Charlie shrieked and left. There were at least two cans of spray paint in the bathroom; Dennis presumed he was heading there.

"I seriously don't know how you got him to do this," Dennis said.

"I have a plan!" Charlie hollered from the bathroom.

Dee cracked the top off her own beer. "He thinks he's gonna make the Waitress jealous."

"And she's gonna bust in?"

"And she's going to bust in," Dee confirmed.

"Poor Charlie."

"He is just not right in the head," Dee said, nodding.

When Mac came in, half an hour after Dee had left complaining about Dennis' totally valid disgust at her grotesque chipmunk teeth, Mac had one arm slung around Rickety Cricket. Frank was poking him in the small of his back with a rod he'd clearly picked out of the garbage.

"What's he doing here?" said Dennis, placidly drinking away his six-pack. "You're not going to panhandle at the wedding, are you?"

The chorus of no's was suspicious, but Dennis let it go.

"We've kind of got our own thing going," Frank said.

"Don't worry about it," said Mac.

"No problem," said Dennis. He took his last beer in his arms and went home.

*

"No, Dee, you can't!" Rickety Cricket cried, busting open the doors. Kind of. He got one open, at least, but weak presumably from his lack of nutrition, couldn't really get them both. "I love you! And I forgive you!"

Charlie stared hopefully at the door.

"Oh, Cricket, sorry, buddy," Dee said, way more condescending than soothing. "Just, I don't think it's really going to work out."

"Well, okay then," the 'priest' said, regaining his composure after the interruption. "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Dennis winked at him, but he just looked confused. Kind of a shitty actor.

Charlie and Dee kissed. Well, their lips touched. Well, Charlie drooled a little on Dee's mouth. The priest apparently decided that was enough, closing his book with a snap.

"SLUT!" Rickety Cricket shrieked, breaking into tears.

God, that guy was sad. The urge to teabag him as he cried was virtually overwhelming. Dennis fought the urge to scratch his balls.

"Well, I got my own back," Rickety Cricket, cackling. "Enjoy your _actual marriage_, Dee."

"Real priest?" Dee said, putting it together.

"Real priest," Cricket said, hysterically laughing. That dude was seriously not okay.

"I knew that guy did not seem with the plan," Charlie said.

"Goddamnit, Cricket!" said Dee. Mac laughed hysterically and high-fived Frank. Dennis should probably have gotten in on their thing instead. It seemed a little more productive.

"We did still get presents," Charlie spelled out, slow and thoughtful, taking off his shirt.

"Charlie!"

"This tie is choking me!"

"It's painted on!"

"Ten bucks from your mom, Charlie, that's what we got!"

"Well, cheers," said Dennis, toasting.

"Mazel tov!" said Frank.

"No, fuck you guys," said Dee, and slammed the hall door behind her.


End file.
